A Year of Surrender: Looking Back on 2014

The start of a new year is also the closing of another. Reflecting back over the previous year leaves me feeling more confident and hopeful for the future and the next year to come. There may have been some disappointments and trials, but looking back I have a new perspective...I made it through, and I can rest in the knowledge that God will carry me again through another year ahead.

Even more than at Thanksgiving, I find myself content and peaceful and so thankful for His hand in my life this time of year. The mistakes of yesterday are being wiped clean. The joys of today are restoring me.

I made a commitment to myself, my family, and my Lord this year. After a joyless, miserable year in 2013 I didn't want to repeat, I made a commitment to work on my attitude. I needed a clean slate, to begin again. No more allowing my circumstances to dictate my feelings. No more excuses or pity parties...well, at least I was going to try.

#surrender2014

It became my motto, stamped on my heart.

Surrender, let go, and leave it in God's hands.

Anything I couldn't control, leave it to God.

Anytime I became overwhelmed and my emotions threatened to overcome me; let it go.

When I wanted things to change, when I grew weary of waiting and being strong, when I felt like raising my fists to the sky and my lack of understanding God's ways left me feeling helpless....I surrendered to Him, my Sovereign King. My life, my plans, my wants, my dreams. Over and over. Every day, every moment if that's what it would take.

Journal Entry June 22, 2014 - “I'm grasping that part of all this surrender and letting go is giving up my need to understand the purpose of the details of my life, especially these last 10 years. It's hard not to feel that God owes me an explanation, at the very least. But slowly I'm being reminded that He is always Sovereign, and an Almighty Father. Loving and good as He is, He will not always show me His reasons for each part of the hard times, perhaps even for my own good. But God is always patient with my lack of understanding of His ways, and gracious when that lack turns to a bitter and angry heart turned against Him. He waits, still silently at work, carrying me through until I'm ready to listen again and accept His ways.”

It wasn't always perfect, but I was real with God. I was real with myself.

And He was always there. Providing. Caring. Comforting. Loving me when I messed up, stumbled, and weakened.

This year I've tried and tested my faith in God. I've prayed then stepped back to let Him work...and attempted to keep having faith even when the wait was long. I saw Him answer, not only some of the bigger prayers, but the very thoughts of my heart I hadn't even spoken aloud or expected to be answered.

 "Hasn't He already unequivocally earned trust? You can take your hands off your life - you don't have to try to save yourself. Behold Him everywhere, and be held.

Instead of explaining our struggling, Jesus shares in it - because He knows mere answers are cold and His arms are warm."

~ Ann Voskamp; from "The Greatest Gift"

In 2014 I rested fully and surrendered fully, 

and found Him Faithful.

...Dear friend, I know He can be counted on.

"Yet I will rejoice in the LORD! 

I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! 

The Sovereign LORD is my strength! 

He makes me as surefooted as a deer, 

able to tread upon the heights." 

~ Habakkuk 3:16-19 ~

~ *  *  * ~

“There is strength within the sorrow. There is beauty in our tears. And You meet us in our mourning with a love that casts out fear. You are working in our waiting. You're sanctifying us. When beyond our understanding, You're teaching us to trust.

Even what the enemy means for evil, You turn it for our good. You turn it for our good and for Your glory. Even in the valley, You are faithful. You're working for our good. You're working for our good and for Your glory. You are Sovereign over us.

You're plans are still to prosper, You have not forgotten us. You're with us in the fire and the flood. You're faithful forever, perfect in love. You are sovereign over us.”

          - Michael W. Smith; Sovereign

I Don't Know How to Walk on Water

{originally written June 6, 2014}

The storms are raging once again. I can hear the wind howling and the rain beating forcefully down. The waves are higher than I've ever seen. Then I see Jesus calling to me, but I'm afraid.  

How can I go, how can I have the faith to walk on water?

 On the hard days when I seem to fail in everything my pride tells me I'm supposed to do and be, or the times I look out on this world and wonder if I'm living up to my “potential”, I often seek guidance from the examples of my favorite Bible characters – real people who had real problems (and failures too!). The one I can't understand, however... Peter.

With his gung-ho spirit and full-out passion to follow the Lord (do you know modern-day people like that, as I do? *sigh*), sometimes I feel as if I'm messing up and missing out. Maybe I am, in a way. Or, maybe there's more to this story than at first appears. Maybe, it's not so much the attitude as it is about the faith.

We all know the story: Peter sees Jesus walking on the water and he decides he'd like to give it a try too. But just as soon as his gaze leaves the Son and hits the water, he's a drowning duck. Oh, how many times do I do the same! Over and over again...sometimes it feels as if I'll never get there; never to know that feeling of walking on the waves.

The truth is: I don't know how to walk on water.

I don't have the faith to stay afloat.

But I know my Jesus does.

I forget so many times...the real truth of every story ever written is that we will always fail! We're only one small part of something greater. Just look at the stories from Adam and Eve, to Abraham, to David and Paul; each one is covered not with failures but with God's grace!

When you and I fail, mess up, lose track of what God says is most important in life – He's right there to set us back on track again, forgive, and help us make a fresh start (just like He did with Peter, by the way). He carries us through those stormy, confusing times between faith and fear, wrong and right, yes and no.

It's Jesus who gives me the faith to stand.

It's Jesus who teaches me how to walk – and keep walking - in faith.

...Even through the storm.

Surrender

I bow.

I surrender it all.

My heart cries no; 

my fear overwhelms me. 

But I know He wants it for my good, 

so I tell myself 

it's okay to let go.

* * *

“I bow my knees.

I bow my words.

I bow my attitude.

I bow my work.

I bow my times of waiting.

I bow my pain.

I bow my will.

I bow ONLY to Him.”

* * *

Surrender.

“Who is among you that fears the Lord...that walks in darkness and has no light? Let him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay {rely} upon His God.” ~ Isaiah 50:10

{Quote from “Satisfy My Thirsty Soul” by Linda Dillow}

 

Undiscovered Journey

  Autumn is my favorite time of year. The leaves begin to turn the most beautiful shades of red, orange, and yellow, and the smell of pumpkin-scented treats permeate the air. Sadly it has felt poisoned for me in the last years. I've tried my hardest to remain thankful during the hard times. Seeing how blessed I am, I know there is truly little for me to have a right to complain about with my family and a few close friends at my side, and my strong faith in the Lord and His daily presence in my 28 years...

   This year God has been teaching me about surrendering. Letting go. Leaving my life, my future, my past and present all in His capable hands. But He's also been showing me His great sovereignty.

   Past present and future, He knows it all, and I never have to attempt to explain it to Him, or circumvent my emotions to try to express beyond the hurt, or search for a “reasonable” answer to give Him for all the did and didn'ts of my life. He understands me better than anyone, even better than I know myself. So when I fail, or can't see what lies ahead and grow discouraged, I know I can trust Him to keep holding my heart in His faithful hands and help me get through it all. :)

   I like to think there's a great future ahead of me. Even with the pain, loss, and traumatic circumstances my family has been in and through in the last 10+ years now, I still hold out a hope that He has a plan for me and for us. Some days it's only that faith and hope in Him that keeps me going and from giving up.

  Up ahead of me there's this undiscovered journey – a path that's not been seen yet or walked upon, that is, until God's appointed time. And that teaches me patience in the waiting.

   Admittedly, it's been a struggle to trust in God's hand in my future right about now. In the last 2 months I've been through some changes, made some decisions, and then un-made those decisions. Yikes. It's been all up and down with my faith AND my emotions recently. “Should I? Could I? God, what is YOUR plan in all this?”, have been the questions of the day. And the one thing I'm always thankful for is God's patient teachings and love to me.

   I find myself reaching out to Him everyday, every moment, seeking and searching and waiting and wondering only to find no more answers than I started out with, and I've got to admit, that's pretty frustrating at times. That is until I realized something...

Dear friends, it's not about your destination, or the path itself,

but the lessons you learn and the closeness to the Lord that comes along the way.

Focusing on the path itself leaves me burdened.

Focusing too far ahead leaves me feeling hopeless for the future.

But trusting in God's sovereign plan, no matter how I'm feeling, always gives me peace.

  In my surrendering, God's shown me His love has been there all the while, through every pain-filled moment. No matter what I go through, His love for me doesn't change. No matter how much I change and grow, that doesn't mean He's changing – He's always faithful and true.

  So when I see that undiscovered journey up ahead of me, and the worry's and fears begin to creep in, I can surrender and trust all the what if's to Him, again and again, for as long as it takes for me to come to grips with what's just in front of me. :)

Day-in-the-Life #3

I have a lot of catching up to do, so I'd best get started, I guess. :)

My summer's been pretty splendid thus far, and I'm not usually a summer person, so that surprises me that I'm enjoying it so much. We haven't gone on any family vacations, and nothing really “new” has come up for me to share, but there's this feeling of overall peace that excites me and leaves me room to breath at last. The only thing I miss is chatting with all my friends, keeping in touch with them and sharin gin their joys and sorrows. That's kind of hard to do sometimes these days, but believe me...I keep them covered in my prayers!

A couple weeks ago we girls (i.e. Mom, Jessica, and myself) went to visit an hour away at my Aunt/Uncle and Grandmother's house for a few days to do some cleaning for them. My aunt and uncle work, and my grandmother isn't able to do heavy-duty cleaning, so we always do a sort of “spring” clean every year for them. With the added pleasure that whoever goes gets to use their cable and internet, as well as visit with Nan. ;) Yeah! This time we also were very much blessed to be able to babysit and watch my second cousin, Guy (sounds like “gee”) - is he not adorable!! He was such a good boy for us, and didn't cry when we each took our turns holding him. We love him like crazy now.

This is my favorite picture my mom took of Guy and his great-grandma, Nan (my grandma).

  I've been sewing, sewing, and quilting a lot too this summer. I needed some new skirts so I've been using up our fabric stash as best I can {I hope to post something about that later}. I've also been creating new pillow covers for my room and a few other things here and there. I finally took the pictures, and now have them mostly edited, so maybe I can get that post ready and posted at last! I can't wait to show you all some of the things I've made. I'm pretty proud of them, if I do say so myself. And since I'm always inspired when other girls share their creations, I hope you'll be inspired by mine, perhaps. :)

 Here's a sneak peak: Bows! 

  Books, books, books! Where would I be without them? *sigh Our library is hosting a summer reading program for adults, with a reward of FREE books as well as entries to win a new Kindle, so since I'm reading a lot anyway, why not join?! ;D I always read a great deal, always have ever since I could, well, read. This year I've read a good many more nonfiction than I'm used to doing, so that's been exciting to learn more in-depth about my favorite people or times in history. Right now on my shelf I have a book on Napoleon's travels in Quebec, and TWO world war II books. I can see the rest of my year will be spent in the 1940's with all the books I have next to read, including Enemy Brothers, and the very last Anne book about her daughter Rilla. (Can you believe this Anne-loving girl has NEVER read through the entire series until now? Shocking, I know).

Ooh, I MUST tell you all of a new-to-me authoress I've discovered. Her writing is exquisite and her characters are charming, with no hint of modern feminism anywhere (hurrah!!) and they have all been the cleanest non-christian books I've read in quite some time. Her name is Jennifer Chiaverini and so far I've read 4 of her lovely books. My favorite so far has been Mrs. Lincoln's Dressmaker; it's all about a freedwoman living in Washington, D.C. during the great civil war, making clothes for the prominent women of the city, as well as Mary Lincoln, and dressing the First Lady for many an occasion at the White House. It's fabulous and so filled with facts that's it's more like a historical biography than a fiction. I can't even tell you how much I learned reading her book, as Jennifer's insightful retelling's are marvellous and filled with truth, unlike most civil war fiction these days. ;)

The other was The Giving Quilt, about a group of ladies coming together and creating quilts for charity at a beautiful lodge in Pennsylvania. You will discover that many of Jennifer's books focus on this lovely state, and since I practically grew up in PA, I know she tells truthfully of all it's charms. :) The book went through the story of each lady in attendance and her purpose and need to come to the event, while also sharing the overall storyline and by the end, the ladies have made quite a few beautiful quilts, and found much-needed healing and rest from new friendships formed and time away to reflect. Each of Jennifer's Elm Creek books tell a story around the making of a quilt (or two!), yet it's not so focused the quilts that it overtakes the beauty of the story itself. It was the most charming book I think I've ever read. And as you can see, it made me hungry to read even more of Jennifer's excellent works. :)

* * *

For a couple months I've been wanting to put together a blog post sharing what I'm learning this year about surrendering to the Lord and all the healing that is taking place in my broken heart, but I can't seem to put the words together in my mind, or when I type. How do you put feelings into words in a way someone else will understand? For now, let's just say I'm so thankful for God's patience with His children, watching over them and gently guiding us in the way He wants us to go. :) I can be so hard on myself, so to see His love for me in the way He teaches and instructs me, waiting until I'm ready to listen means a great deal.

I'm slowly learning to let Him have more reign in my life, letting Him love me, letting go of my own idealism of how I wish things would be and instead accepting how they truly are...at least for now. There is such peace in accepting that you are right where God wants you to be. When I lose sight of that promise of His care over me, even now and even in the future, I become so consumed with fear that it's all I can see.

I don't have to understand, I don't need to understand, all I need to remember is He's a loving and Sovereign God and to lean back and trust Him. 

A dear friend of mine shared this song by Mercy Me called Greater, and it was so perfectly wonderful, and spoke so much to my own heart that I wanted to share it with you all, just in case you've never heard of it before either. The words are impactful, and full of grace and being real. Hope it blesses you!

"There’ll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn’t matter
‘Cause the cross already won the war
He’s Greater
He’s Greater

I am learning to run freely
Understanding just how He sees me
And it makes me love Him more and more

He’s Greater 

He’s Greater"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdQ0vCGDGag 

Not There Yet

   With summer nearing and the weather brighter and warmer, I've been trying to exercise again and work out my weak muscles. Anyone who has tried eating healthier and keeping up an exercise routine knows the struggle it can be to overcome fatigue and laziness and not succumb to eating those tasty treats us gals like so much. ;)

    I have a goal for each day, each week, and an end goal I'd like to someday achieve, but for now it takes hard work and time and effort. At times it's more than I think I can stand.. I'm too tired or the treat is too tempting (and far too easy to make an excuse). It means sacrifice of my time, energy, and again...to say no to that tempting treat and emotional eating. It's about creating new habits as I try to let go of old own ones.

    And yet, the days I give in or give up seem too frequent and I grow discouraged. And it dawned on me, that I'm not there yet. I'm not yet to the end goal...there's still a long way in front of me to work on and grow in. I like to keep my sight focused on the goal ahead of me, but at times that can be more disheartening instead of helpful, especially if it doesn't look like I'm making as much progress as I would like. {I've never been good with patience & waiting}

    Our walk with Christ is like exercising... we're not to the end goal, so all too often we want to give up because the progress we're making isn't enough for us. We want to be patient, loving, kind, generous, thoughtful of others, even-tempered, faithful in our devotional times, and never to make the same mistakes that we do over and over (and over!) again. It's hard to wait for our character to catch up with what God has taught us. :) And that is why, lately, it has been an encouragement to focus on God's grace to me in my readings in Romans, Elise Fitzpatrick's “Comforts from Romans” devotional, and in “The God Who Sees You” which I've been rereading again this month.

“I am now free to say, 'Of course I sinned like this! ...I am, after all, a very great sinner. But that's not all.Not only am I a very great sinner, but I've also got a very great Saviour.'

Even on the days I forget what He's done and who He has made me to be, I still have His perfect record...because God has generously flooded our souls with grace and righteousness, we reign in life rather than being reigned over by death and sin...I've been able to reign in my life: no longer crushed by the certitude of spiritual death because of my error, no longer afraid to admit failure or hopeless that I'll never change, but rather ruling over sin and death right now, in this life, because of the abundant grace of God...because He completely fulfilled all the law in my place...It is all His work.

...So today, don't run from your failure or try to make yourself look better in your own eyes. Instead, refresh yourself with deep draughts of His grace and righteousness.

You don't need to get yourself all cleaned up. Jesus has already done all this for you. You have peace with God. Stand in the grace He has given.” - Elyse Fitzpatrick

Romans 5:17; Romans 5:1-2

  Be patient little Christian girl.

God is SO loving and patient and gracious with you.

It's okay not to be at the end goal yet.

Simply enjoy where you are on the journey.

Everyday Beauty

Do you ever forget to see the joy and beauty in the little things in your life? I know I certainly do!

Even today as I sit here typing I think how my morning started off as a "Jonah Day" {you Avonlea-gals know about those}: the oatmeal I made was more like glue and bubbled over, and then it turned out we were out of brown sugar. I needed to get some dinner in the crockpot quickly because we'd be out all day, the dishes were piled in the sink, the skirt I was trying to put elastic in gave me a world of trouble and I will have to do it again...you get the picture. Let's just say it was not one of my finer moments.

I received a strong reminder when I reached the library and found this post waiting for me...

I found this lovely long-forgotten image on my computer about a week ago. It resides as my desktop wallpaper at present – a “beautiful” reminder for me whenever I'm on.

Next I read this blog post of another woman with her own difficult set of circumstances that could easily give her reason to complain. It was this article that inspired me to set a challenge for myself; each time I complain, I must find (at least) one thing that is the opposite of my complaint– one joyful, blessed reason to thank the Lord. It is far from easy to do, and I forget to stop and think of a good reason for the bad sometimes, but it's been good practice for my bad habit.

When the pantry is almost empty: the Lord provided manna for today, and yesterday, so I can trust Him for tomorrow.

When the chores pile up: At least a mountain of dirty dishes shows that God supplied food for my family to eat today.

When I am lonely or feeling unsure of my future: I am God's princess and He chose me and He will always be with me no matter what I'm feeling or what tomorrow holds.

The final was reading through the second half of my friend Sarah's latest published book, Adventures in Adversities. Funny how God can use fiction for His glory and for “instruction in righteousness” sometimes, isn't it? Though the character's circumstances are far from what my own are, she too had many reasons to complain, and yet chose to find the good in each difficulty. It's a lot like letting go; surrendering our will and our feelings of pain in this moment, and looking beyond them to see God's grace to us even in times of sorrow.

Like the Anne-girl I'm reminded that “...The sorrows God sent us brought comfort and strength with them, while the sorrows we brought on ourselves, through folly or wickedness, were by far the hardest to bear...”

We can easily make a difficult situation worse with a bad attitude. Perhaps my burdens would be all the easier to bear if I stopped focusing on the trials and remembered to see the beautiful and joyful things God has placed in my life even alongside, or through, the grievace ones. 

Stop focusing on the troubling, discouraging things in this life and instead remember to look for the good even amongst the bad, because God gives us a little of His beauty and grace for every day.